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the butchers masquerade ch 1 - 38

Ch 1

They take away the formerly titular gate from Carl.

Katia picks the hazmat endorsement 

Donut picks a singer class

Carl picks the explosive expert path.

Ch 2

Carl is immediately attacked by invisible paralyzing mongoose.  Donut and katia and Chris save him.

Mordekai is a lebooboo and he's angry at Carl because he specifically told him to pick the melee fighter path.  

My theory as to why Carl picked the explosive path despite Mordekai's suggestion is that the anarchist's cookbook has a bunch of useful explosive information that he can't tell Mordekai about.

Ch 3

We get a flashback to Carl and his Lawyer.

He's a fun character.  He's a grey alien and he talks like a new york wise guy.

The deal they negotiated was that until they get the titular gate back their mercenaries would get a variety of super powerful spells

Ch 4

Chris and Katia go their own way

Carl buys the advanced bomber studio and donut buys the magic studio

Carl pulls out the doomsday device as the advanced bomber studio allows him to examine such things without any danger they'll explode

Also, he can test out bombing a bunch of stuff virtually to practice out different things.

The downside of Donut picking a singer class is that she's not a good singer

She and Mordekai go out shopping in the hopes of finding something that makes her a better singer.

They do not.

Mordekai sends them out to gather mushrooms he needs.

Instead, Carl has their mercenary Bomo cast his spell to send them to the stairwell in Zockau.

ch 5

They teleport to the capital city they were specifically told not to go to

Carl has setup missles and bombs to kill a ton of huners

Carl finds a drunk hunter

he puts on his killer ring and he marks that guy

he is looking for the mayor

the hunters come here and they kill the mayor and then all the npcs in the city do their bidding for them.

If Carl kills the mayor maybe he's in control of the town?

he makrs this drunk hunter

then he finds a hunter flying around and he uses his toe ring's super spreader ability to inflict his inability to heal before the drunk hunter is dead on them

He kills them with missles

They jump into a safe room for a second as a HUGE bomb explodes.

they go to their safe room and have their mercenaries cast protection on them

they say they gotta go back to Zockau

Mordekai is not pleased

They barely make it out of the city alive and luckily just outside of the city there are helpful crawlers that are able to keep Carl alive.

Ch 6

There's an excerpt from the anarchist cookbook about how mercenaries suck.  I'm assuming Carl read this and then hired four mercenaries anyway.

It's the shepherd lady and her man goat and her demon goat.

Carl killed a bunch of hunters and npcs and hes got lots of reward boxes for it. But he didn't kill the mayor, so that's a bummer.

The shepherd lady and her man goat have a pretty sweet setup where he stacks negative affects on bad guys and they don't even know it and eventually it becomes so bad that they die.  The problem is it's an all or nothing situation and if anything interrupts they get nothing out of it.  But it's gotta be pretty effective because hes level 55, probably highest in the dungeon. He was doing a buff on the hunters to make them drunker and that was working.  That probably helped Carl a lot.  But he was also trying to do a buff that made them angry enough to fight each other and that didn't work at all.

The whole jungle is just covered in traps.  They get to a certain point and man goat days they have to stop and go around.  Carl says he can take care of it.  Man goat says he's useless and should shut up.  Carl uses his power to set off all the traps and man goat gets all pissed off.

Luckily shepherd lady calms goat man down and he and Carl hug.

Ch 7

This chapter is short and uninteresting. They make it to a safe room and get ready for the recap show.

All their hunter killer boxes have the hand of the hunter they killed.

Ch 8

Carl starts this chapter thinking he needs to relax.  Hes got this horrible sound in the back of his mind like a rushing driver and the more he works and the less he relaxes the louder it gets.  So he says to himself hes gonna focus on relaxing. 

They watch the recap show and it's all stuff from the end of the last level.  They talk about the guild system in that it costs 500k to join and it doesn't seem like being in a guild is that beneficial but you can buy more stuff that makes it beneficial.

There's a general sense of unease in the group (Carl, mordecai and donut) about the changes that Katia is going through. She makes a quip that leads me to believe she's gonna try to kill Eve.

They find out the hinter hands they have are useable as chuck e cheese tokens.  But only at the titular party at the end of the floor.  Twist: only the too 50 crawlers get to go to the party. 

At this news, Carl breaks his promise to himself and gets back to work.

Ch 9

Carl has a plan to kill a bunch of hunters by having one of their mercenaries be a suicide bomber.  His name is Bomo.  I don't know how its pronounced.   I've been pronouncing it as Bomb OH.  So it would make sense to have him be the bomber. But donut doesn't want that and has a better idea.  If Bomo is her personal mercenary she can use her clockwork spell and they can send a copy of him to do the suicide bombing.

Ch 10

They get to a village that doesnt allow dinosaurs so they kill the mayor.

They go to their safe room and there's a note saying not to bother with the suicide bombing plan because all hunters are now immune to explosion damage and all the npcs in the village are now followers of the same God as Carl and it would be very bad for him of he killed them.

Ch 11

There's a good reason for the no dinosaur rule.  They attack the village all the time. And they're doing it now.  Mongo runs out to the jungle with donut on him.  Carl runs after.  When he gets there, there's a semicircle  of 40 velociraptors and they're growling and Mongo is growling. But none of them are moving.  Carl picks up donut and slowly walks away. 

The biggest velociraptor pounces on Mongo.  They don't fight.  They make love. ❤️ 😍 💖 ❣️ 💕 💘 

Ch 12

Carl grabs donut and runs away.  

Donut is having a panic attack. The Crux is people online are say9ng Carl is gonna abandon her on the 9th floor.  He promises not to do that and she calms fow down a l8ttle.

Mongo comes back.

One of the guards shoots a missle at something.

Ch 13

They find who got shot by the missle.  Its a hunter. He's not moving.  But hes surrounded by white dots on the map.  Its the elite npc signet and friends.  They offer him to Carl.  Carl says to heal him and he pulls.out the ring.  Seems like he plans to do his curse and super spreader trick again. 

Ch 14

I was wrong, carl just kills the hunter to get an extra point in dexterity.

Signet tells him her plot.  To destroy the high elves and the confederacy. 

So theyre gonna go to the two places they were specifically avoiding.  Just great.

Also theres another elite.  Its an ogre named Areson.

Ch 15

Areson comes back with a dead hunter.  He tried to bring him back alive so carl could get the credit for the kill.  But that didnt work out.  He has an arrow of turbo super gonorrhea. Cant wait for carl to use that on someone we hate.

Carl finds a map on the hunter that shows they've split up the map amongst the different factions and they've claimed dibs on specific crawlers.  The Hive and the Skull empire. He sends out chats letting everyone know which hunter groups claimed their area and also who called dibs on them.

Carl gets a long chat from his lawyer. Theyre limiting the number of chats from the outside so lawyer had to wait to get all the info before sending his chat.

Signet's producers are willing to play ball and expand the show to the 9th level.  Carl wants this because it would mean they'd try to keep him alive.  The downside is theyre dragging their feet.  Lawyer thinks its cause they wanna see how Carl fits into the current dynamic of the show first. Another downside, they want 150 million credits.  Lawyer estimates Carl's net worth at around 67 credits.

This floor is signet's home planet.  The confederacy is her people. She's here to get vengence for her mother and set up a stable government. Then after that she's gonna go buck wild on the elves. 

Part 2 the daughters revenge

Ch 16

They fight more paralytic mongoose and go back to town so they can get ready for odette's show.

They get a new sponsor. They're called the apothecary. Carl is pretty sure this is the race that the Krakaren are based on.  And if theyre half as successful as the pyramid scheming Krakaren are in the dungeon they've got plenty of money.  Donut finds out they also sponsored pretty much all the other top hunters.  Shes woried theyre gonna spread the loot too thin.  Carl isn't gonna worry about it.

Ch 17

Samantha, the gemigodess in the severed sex doll.head, wants to come with them the next time they go to Signet because theyre related through marriage and somehow that means Signet can give Samantha her body back.

They get ready to go on the show. Before they do, they meet with Odette in the green room and she tellls them that Beatrice is still alive.

Ch 18

Bae is going to be on the show.  Stay strong Donut.

Ch 19

The actual TV show is a relatively tame affair.  Donut keeps her cool and calmly tells Bea not to such a two faced phony with her next cat.  Bea seems to be mostly out of it and doesn't say much and is just confused.  She doesnt understand that she's not there with them and tried to hug carl and pet donut.

When the cameras turn off Donut l9ses her shit a little.  She calls Bea the b word anf says you're not my person anymore.  Carl is.  Also, knowing how Bea truly is, Carl has always been her person.

This while time odette and zev have been talking about how the timing is so bad abd im like, the hell?

There are announcements that explain this.  1.  The valtray corporation will no longer be sponsoring anyone

 because

2. They now own 51% of the Borant corporation and they'll pretty much be in charge now thank you very much.

Ch 20 pg 182

Donut is actively working with Zev on starting a Borant civil war.

Zev tells them now that Valtray is in control, the odds of them getting murdered at rhe titular bal is 100%  so avoid it.

One of the things Donut did for Zev was to transport a bunch of Valtay Secret agents to the Borant Emancipation front.

She feels betrayed by the Valtay.  She helped them and now theyre gonna kill her and Carl.

They dont tell mordekai about anything that happened on the gameshow.

Work on the town is going great.  1 more day and the town will be able to defend itself and they can move along.

Ch 21 pg 187

Katia is leaving the group,  but theyre all gonna be in the same guild and theyre gonna buy something so mordecai keeps his room.

Carl gets a fan box.  Its a pass to CrawlCon.  He's gonna sign autographs and be on two panels.  He hates it.

No time to wallow, the town is being attacked.  Elves with a trebuche.

Carl has a crazy idea.

Ch 22 pg 198

Carl launches sex doll head at the attacking hunters.  She has missles attacked and she kills one hunter and grabs onto another one.  He summons her back and she has the hunter.  He's from fantasy hunter camp.  He did well there and so they offered him a  unch of money to do this.  Now carl is going to murder him.

Ch 23 pg 206

Everyone comments on how brutal Carl was in the murder. He's done enough murder with the ring that from now on he will get double rewards for doing a murder with the ring.

Donut gets a bracelet that let's her cast fireball

Ch 24 pg 210

Carl finds the trebuche the hunters were using.  It's light enough he can pick it up and put it in his inventory. 

The were creatures that Signet had an army of are were beavers.

Lightning starts to happen.

Ch 25 pg 218

Signet and her group are hanging out at the All Tree.  It's magical and it protects the forest dwellers.  Everyone in Signet's group is a forest dweller.  So when some hunters attack them, they are struck down by lightning. 

There were 2 and 1 lived.  Areson is preparing them for to be sacrificed to Signet.

Turns out Samantha's plan to get a body is stupid. She can take over the dead body of a relative, which Signet is.  Samantha thinks Signet will just die and let Samantha have her body.  When Signet says no, cause DUH, Samantha calls her an ungrateful bitch.  

The other hunter is a woman and still the base hunter level of 50.  Carl starts to feel a little bad about it until in begging for mercy she declares she's a "real" person.  Not a crawler or an NPC.  Carl kills her.

There's an announcement that a top 10 crawler was killed by a hunter.  Carl reaches out in chat and nobody knows who it is.  

They attack the castle to restore order to Signet's mother's former kingdom.  

What does Matt dinnerman have against the Oasis song.Wonder Wall?

Ch 26 pg 231

Carl launches Samantha into the castle.  Shes doing some shenhannegans and he decides its time for him to go in hi.self, but first he has to recall her.  

Ch 27 pg 238

He does so and she brings back a giant frog that they kill with a combination of fireball and mongo and carl ending up inside the wound that fireball caused and finishing off the job.

Ch 28 pg 245

They win the castle fight, but kinda get screwed cause the giant frog was the borough boss, but they killed it before the qiest was announced so they dont get the extra stuff they would have normally received from such a fight.

The were beavers are sad that someone named miss Nadine died.  She must have been an important part of the Signet show.

Also, there's a dinosaur named big Tina they now have a quest for.

Ch 29 pg 252

In honor of miss Nadine Signet gets a new tatoo.  Carl and donut head out to the next town.  They gotta get into a safe room ASAP cause Carl is gona get transported to crawler con pretty soon.  They get to a town and a saferoom a d they f8nd out that Lucia Mar (the 11 year old with two giant dogs that's the strongest crawler in the game and is largely though to be mentally unstable) is the Mayor of this town.

Carl gets transported away.

Part 3

Ch 30 pg 261

Zev tells Carl he's gonna be here for a few hours because his second thing is a few hours after his first thing.  He's losing his shit cause he knows donut is down there and had atleast 1 fight.  He wants to be down there right now.  Zev says hes better off here.

Right before he goes on, his guard asks him to vote for his grand daughter and he''ll let him raid the greenroom.

Ch 31 pg 266

Carl is on the judging panel for kids artwork with an aquatic man and a camel man.  The aquatic man is cool.  He designed the desperado club.  The camel man is not cool.  Aquatic man explains its cause camel man is a has been and is bitter about it.

Aquatic man is so cool he also votes for the guards grand daughter. So cool.

Ch 32 pg 274

The room Carl is in has a super advanced bed and training room. Stuff he wouldn't see in the ga,e til the 12th level.  So he takes advantage 9f 8t and trains up his bomb making and power punch.  It ssupposed to be 16 now, but because 15 is the normal max I guess his equipment bonuses don't count as much so he`ll need to get to what would be 17 before hes actually 16.

This panel is gonna be epic.  The guards are psyched to watch.

Ch 33 pg 283

The mother of one of the hunters Carl killed is in charge.  She talks about the history of 5he crawl and Carl just starts screaming about how boring it is and she leaves and he asks the crowd for advice on how to kill her children.

Ch 34 pg 296

The audience has lots of good ideas. Carl is feeling a little hopeful.

Ch 35 pg 303

This fight is awesome.  Both the mantises and the Borg are trying to kill Donut, Carl and the 11 year old girl.  Did I mention that donut killed one of the 11 year old girl's dogs?

The 11 year old is the Mayor of the town and has HELLA traps everywhere.  She kicks ass.

All the hunters except the main Mantis end up dead.  And carl uses one of the arrows to give her enthusiastic double ghonorea.

The only way to get rid of it is to pass it.om to someone else of your same race.  Theres one mantis in the capital city and the crawlers offer him a deal to.protect him.

Ch 36 pg 316

They ipen a bunch of boxes and achievements and what not.

The funnest one is when Carl hits strength 100 he's given the option to pick a foot based skill and donut knows the AI gave it to him on purpose cause it loves his feet.

But Carl spits in its face and takes a skill that makes his strength go up by 2 from now on.

Ch 37 pg 333

They watch the recap show where donut cuts off one of Lucia's dogs heads with the hole spell.

Ch 38

The mantis account shows up asking for help.  There's blahs blahs blahs and eventually Carl let's him into their safe room and he punches Carl.  It's his third strike cause he previously punched the mercenary they sent to offer him protection. But this guy didn't want protection. He wanted to die in the least dishonorable manner.  On your third strike all your stuff, including your clothes, drop to the ground and you're teleported to the nearest mob nest where its assumed you're going to die relatively quickly.

ch 17 to the end THE FRUGAL WIZARD’S HANDBOOK FOR SURVIVING MEDIEVAL ENGLAND

I forgot how great it is to be able to copy and paste the table of contents for a book report.  Maybe next book on lobby pr something else that I can read on kindle.

Chapter Seventeen 

Adara was right.  The redheaded man is his partner. Ryan Chu is his nane

FAQ: Can I Transfer Things Between Dimensions? 

These dimensions they go to are kinda subdimentions. They're not quite as substantial as ours.  The punchline is that you cant take anything back to our dimension. In case you need some existential dread, our dimension could be a subdimention if another dimension. We could be some other dimension's play thing.

Chapter Eighteen 

I think the cop's name is Johnny because trying to enable his head armor he gets a message saying its has been disabled external and you should stop trying.Johnny.  

Chapter Nineteen 

They make it to the fortress where we think brother is being held.  They picked up an old lady at one point and they tell her she shouldn't be involved.  She tells them she's gonna do whatever she wants to do.  And what she wants to do is help make sure they dont end up dead 

FAQ: Why Does Everyone in Britain Speak Modern English in My Pre-Norman-Conquest Dimension? Shouldn’t That Require an Incredible Alignment of Social and Linguistic Factors That Would Never in a Million Years Align in Such a Convenient Way? 

It just does. 

Chapter Twenty 

Johnny and company sneak to the main building in the compound.  He has his wight unlock the back door by giving it a berry on a white cloth. 

He .makes a grand entrance and the lord of the manner demands he does more tricks.  He does a few and then the lord tells them where brother is.  So thats good.

What's not so good is one of the criminals is there and says Johnny?  Wtf?

Chapter Twenty-One 

Adara nailed it again. Johnny is a police academy drop out.

But I don't think any of us predicted that Johnny was a criminal. The criminals want him dead, not cause hes a cop, which he isn't,  but because he stole from them.

Also,  Ryan Chu isn't his friend anymore. They were friends in police academy but Johnny's a criminal and Ryan wants him dead too.

Chapter Twenty-Two 

This is the chapter where we have to start using names cause theres too many characters. 

The brother, Wyrm, was a trap.  The head viking from the first village,  Ealstan, is shot with arrows in the gut.  Johnny has a flashback to futuristic fighting pits he fought in.  He starts to wreck shop on these fools for a bit.  But he pretty quickly realizes that they're kinda humoring him.  They could shoot him dead with arrows in a second.  What he ends up doing is using his nanites to heal Ealstan.  The head viking at rhe fortress, Wealdsig, is hella impressed by this.  Everyone thinks Johnnyn is Baller now.  He also heals Wealdsig's hand.  

Even the lady/girl with the brother Sefawynn is impressed and she was 💯 that he was a fake.  In the modern parlance she might have said not to bullshit a bullshittr.

Part Two Marginalia 

Part Three: Bagsworth Ruins Everything (Again) How to Be a Wizard 

The book johnny could really use is 

Science for Wizards™

That explains how to actually do all this stuff Johnny knows about that should be impressive but he doesnt actually know how to do.

The key to being a wizard is convincing people that you are one so people will look to you for guidance rather than having to keep fighting your way through. 

Chapter Twenty-Three 

Johnny talks to whatever spirit is helping him.  It says its not in the mood and calls him John from Seattle. 

John has failed at everything hes ever done.  He gets a pep talk from their Muslim friend Yazad. Where he tells him hes a time traveler and  Yazad hilariously calls him powerful, yet stupid.

He thinks, what if I didnt?  He's gonna try to succeed.

Chapter Twenty-Four 

John is having a hard go of it.  Horse riding is hard when you dont have nanites repairing your muscles. Also, he smells bad because he had to wait a day for his immunity nanites to regenerate before he could take a bath.

He and Elias and Sefawynn speak of Woden and the old war and how its worth suffering Wodens punishments and sacrificing for him for the rewards.

The old lady,  Thokk, shows up and John holds back to have a "whats your deal" conversation. Shes "just" an old woman.  But everyone expects an old.woman traveling by herself to be a witch.  This is very fun for her.  She tells John he better respect that its awesome and she makes a great sacrifice when she's with them because she's just an old lady when with a group.

FAQ: Wait. Did I Just Do a Colonialism? 

This part is interesting in that they say the Americas are off limits cause they do what we might call charity work in the Americas to prepare them.for the eventual European invasion. So its kinda ok that your colonizers cause you're colonizing colonizers. 

Chapter Twenty-Five 

They get robbed. It sucks.  John gets knocked out.

Chapter Twenty-Six 

John wakes up in a hut, he finds a loose floorboard so he can escape.

He finds the group around the fire.

He decides to jump the leader.  But as hes jumping, he realizes he might have misunderstood the situation. Elias and Sefawynn seem to be getting along with the bandits just fine.  He gets confirmation of this when the leader turns out to be the real cop Ryan Chu.

FAQ: What If I’m Still Worried About the Ethics of Essentially Colonizing the British Isles, Influencing the Course of History for an Entire People? 

They explain here that if you're a bad person and you wanna do bad things, its your universe, no one else can judge you.

If you're a good person and you're worried you might have a negative impact,  theyve got a wonderful book to sell you with stories of how good people have had a significant possitive impact on their dimensions. 

Chapter Twenty-Seven 

Ryan is playing the part of Robin hood and its going really well.  They're gonna work together to take down the criminal.  This makes Johnny feel a little bad.  He didnt have a great plan, but at least it was his.  Now hes just going along with Ryan's plan. His previous uselessness gives him an idea.  Somehow it will involve ruining his relationship with Sefawynn. 

.

Chapter Twenty-Eight 

Ryan and Johnny put in a bit of a show at the campfire of arguing about their past.  Johnny goes into the forest and talks to his wight.  Earth people are killing the wights. Not on purpose,  but just being near earthlings kills wights.  

Johnny's plan works,  Sefawynn is looking at him romantically again.

(New!) Better than True Life™ Experiences 

Chapter Twenty-Nine 

They talk through the plan and talk about life, mostly why Johnny's is bad.

Chapter Thirty 

Some knoodling here with John and Sefawynn.   He's really feeling her and vice versa. But he knows he cant stay.  This place is special because of its magic and hes hurting that magic.

Part Three Marginalia 

Part Four: No Refunds . 

FAQ: What If I Don’t Like My Dimension? Are Refunds Available? 

NO!!!!!!

Also, your contract includes a kind of NDA where you aren't allowed to say anything bad about them on social media

Chapter Thirty-One 

They make it to the big city and get moving to their appointed spots to enact the plan.  Lots of refugees because vikings are attacking up and down the coast.  John has the sudden realization that even if they won today and all the earthlings died or went home, these people were still screwed.

Chapter Thirty-Two 

The plan appears to have worked.  Johnny's group has success out front, he hears a bell ringing to indicate Ryan was successful inside.  But now the town is being attacked by vikings. 

Chapter Thirty-Three 

.

This whole thing was a trap Ulric setup to get Ryan's beacon and call in reinforcements.

John gets to the inside and sees Ryan tied up.  Someone else is tied up next ro him.

It's Jen!!!!!1!!!!one!!!!

Chapter Thirty-Four 

Jen was Ryan's person on the inside.  She started working for Uric as a midevilest and ended up coming over to this dimension way faster than expected. 

Then her grandma told John she was dead.

They get the portal setup and Ryan and Jen piece out.

Also, Jen was cheating on John with Ryan basically for as long as they've been dating.

All of these people suck.

You know who doesnt suck?  Sefawynn,  she's out there fighting the vikings with her magic all alone.

Chapter Thirty-Five 

OK, she's not fighting.  Shes out there doing boasts. Still scary when there's vikings attacking the city.

Also, Thokk! Is Wodens brother.

Thokk shows john that there's wights every where.  Sefawynn tells woden to fick off and the wights are inspired.  A viking starts to attack her and a wight makes his sword fall to pieces. 

Then the wight makes the Viking fall to pieces.

John moves to attack the vikings. Thokk stops him.  This isn't his battle.  His battle is with the people from his world. 

He's gotta fight Quinn so he can destroy the portal.

Chapter Thirty-Six 

The fight goes badly because quinn has full plating and John just has arm plating.  

Ulric comes in with a couple more guys.  You'd think he'd just shoot John and move on with his plans.  But no, he likes to watch his pee ons fight.  So he lets the fight go on.

John has a sudden realization that he's bad at pretty much everything. But hes great at one thing.

Lying!!!!!!

So he lies. He tells them due to the fun magical probability stuff of this dimension he just guessed the password to bring all his shielding online.  This freaks quinn out and John

Kicks

His 

Ass

John throws quin through the portal to the police station. He destroys the beacon.

Ulric shoots him.

Then Ealstan,  who we thought was killed by Ulric's goons, uses a gun with a goons arm still attached to shoot Ulric to death.

The Wizard’s Burden 

You're a wizard Johnny

- Rubeus Hagrid

Chapter Thirty-Seven 

Johnny has a plan.  He's gonna commit suicide so he doesn't hurt this world anymore.  He jumps off a peir in said attempt.  Unfortunately, the water is very shallow.  Thokk is there to make fun of him.  She tells him he can stay.  In fact, he must stay to protect Sefawynn. His disruptiveness to the wights and and Woden will protect her.  But he needs to keep moving.  If he stays somewhere longer than a month his disruptiveness will kill the wights in the area.

So he and Sefawynn will wander around and have adventures i guess.

Part Four Marginalia 

Epilogue 

This is from Thokk/Logna's point of view.  Watching John and Sefawynn go from town to town telling the story of how they defeated Woden.

Postscript 

About the Author 

Also by the Author Copyright