Prologue to ch 11
Authors note. Pg 8
This author also wrote my best friends exorcism. That book is about children. This book is about grown ass adults. This I Dracula vs your mom. Spoiler alert, Dracula doesn't stand a chance.
Prologue pg 10
Blood. This book ends in it. All of life starts with it. All vampire books have blood. As an added bonus this book also has an unremarkable group of house wives. House wives that are gonna kill vampire(s).
Ch1 pg 14
Patricia Campbell is part of a monthly book club. I get the impression that it's big. One person talks about the book while everyone else is just the audience. Today she's the talker . 90 minutes to book club and she hasn't read the book.
Marjorie is the dictator of book club. She has a fake democratic process by which she claims to have never heard of any book anyone else suggests and she presents 13 books she likes to vote on.
Patricia goes to book club even though she didn't red
Patricia ad the book. She tries to make some stuff up but Marjorie sees through it pretty quickly. But it turns out nobody read the book.
While leaving kitty shrugs invites her to a true crime book club.
Ch 2 pg 24
Kitty stops by Patricia's house and there's a thing with Patricia's daughter and it shows us that kitty is cool. So Patricia reads the book she didnt want to in three days and goes to kitty's book club.
It's fun, they're having fun. Even though some of them have to lie to their shitty husband's.
Patricia's mother in law comes to live with them and it sucks. But the troops rally and it's not so bad.
Ch 3 pg 40
They chitchat about the neighborhood. The most interesting part is there's a creepy van.
Ch 4 pg 48
Patriis attacked by old mrs savage taking out the trash.
Ch 5 pg 56
People in a small town talk a lot and fast. Who needs the news when you've got a small town gossip. The lady that bit off Patricia`s ear, she died.
Ch 6 pg 64
Patricia goes to the lady that bit her ear off's house to bring her nephew a casserole. She finds him in his bedroom just lying there. Yes not breathing. She does CPR, she used to be a nurse. He gets up and says GTFO. She does. He must be a vampire.
Ch 7 pg 70
The vampire brings back Patricia's dish. Mom calls him hoyt cause I guess that's the name he used when he was a vampire back in her day.
Ch 8
Patricia is helping vampire do all sorts of things like pay his water bill and change it to his name and open a bank account and she tells him about book club.
Ch 9 pg 94
Vampire comes to book club at Patricia's house and mom calls him hoyt again.
Ch 10 pg 104
The vsmpire tries to kill mom but it doesn't work out
Ch 11
Mom tells Patricia the story of hoyt pickens. She starts by saying he killed her daddy. He came down from the north and convinced her dad to invest more in his moonshine side hustle. Also around the time kids go missing. Hoyt pickens blames a black man and they bury him alive under the peach tree. Then Hoyt disappears and every thing goes bad.
Ch 12
.Patricia goes to a party.
The vampire attacks mom with rats.
It's truly horrifying.
Also if you see her son, punch him in the face.
Ch 13 pg 133
Patricia and kitty go visit miss green. Fun revelation here i. The black town. Kids are disappearing. So thats who the vampire is eating.
Ch 14 pg 145
More details about the kids the vampire is feeding off of.
Vampire drives a white van.
Ch 15 pg 151
Revelation, the black lady that is missing was the cleaning lady that Patricia saw at the vampires house. She calls ms green to ask if she'd be willing to talk to the lady's mom with her. Ms green doesn't care for that lady. But Sue's willing to do it if Patricia comes over right now.
Ch 16 pg 161
They go to a lady's house and her daughter is missing. Patricia tells her to call the p9lice and to tell them she was taken by the vampire who is a drug dealer. The lady kinda does that in that she calls the cops and says her daughter is missing.
Ch 17 pg 168
Patricia goes looking for the girl and vampire in the woods. She finds the vampire's van and she finds the vampire doing vampire shit to the girl. She runs away and stumbles into the police. She takes the police to the van but nobody is there. They go back to the lady's trailer and the daughter is back in her room.
Patricia's husband shows up and they go home.
Ch 18 pg 179
The girl the vampire was feeding on was taken away by child protection services. It sucks and Patricia's husband isn't willing to do anything to help. Even though it was his mother Ms green was protecting from the eats the vampire sent.
The vampire comes over and they have cookies and Patricia apologizes for ratting him out to the cops.
Ch 19 pg 191
Patricia tells book club that the vampire is a drug dealer. At first nobody wants to hear it. But then kitty and others back her up. Grace is 100% against this.
Grace calls Patricia to tell her she found where the vampire is stashing his van. Book club is working to take down the vampire they think is a drug dealer.
Ch 20 pg 202
Patricia claims to be having book club and tries to get rid of her family. But her daughter bails on her sleep over and ruins everything. But she tells her to stay in her room. Why? Because some book club people are coming over but also cops are coming over so they can talk to them about the vampire.
Also, Patricia's husband that was supposed to do dinner and a movie with their son comes home.
Ch 21 pg 207
It's not just Carter it's all their shitty unsupportive husbands. They're all cozy with the vampire because he's invested money with them. And their shitty.husbands not only don't support them but they've brought the vampire abd they make them apologize and he forces himself into their bookclub full time.
Ch 22 pg 219
Patricia goes to Grace's house and tells at her. Ms green is working for uer now.
Patricia goes home and drinks a bottle of prozak.
Ch 23 pg 230
Patricia wakes up in the hospital. Her.kids hate her cause of the suicide attempt and her husband because he isn't getting the promotion he wants.
Three years later...
Ch 24 pg 240
We're living in a post-apocalyptic book club. The men are in it and they read the sorts of books that dads read. The vampire is thoroughly entrenched in everything. They listen to rush limbaugh on the radio and read James Patterson books. So gross.
Ch 25 pg 250
Their little nazi kid throws a fit and runs away to the vampire's house.
Ch 26 pg 260
Patricia has a visit from her mother in law's ghost and it tells her to go to Ursula green. She has an old picture of the vampire.
.
Ch 27 pg 266
Patricia goes to ms green and sees the picture and its absolutely the vampire.
Ch 28 ch 275
Patricia goes to slick to show her the photo.
Fun thing, slick is having am anti Halloween party to praise the lord. Its gonna be Martin Luther themed.
We get a little more back story on mom, she lived upstate. So vampire didn't come back to the scene of the crime. Mom just was in the wrong place sat the wrong time and that's why he killed her with rats.
Ms green also gave Patricia other evidence. Patricia tells slick the plan is ms green is gonna clean the vampires house while the men are all away. Patricia is gonna go through his house to find definite evidence.
Like a real moron, she leaves all the evidence with Slick.
Ch 29 pg 282
Patricia goes to jmthe vampires house while Ms green is cleaning it and goes into the attick and finds the dead body of Francine in a suitcase.
Problem, the Vampire has come home early.
Ch 30 pg 292
The cleaning ladies leave and in an amazing display of grit and determination Patricia hides in the attic under old boxes and blankets and what not while all sorts of vermine that live there crawl all over her. She eventually can't stand it and gets out from under but by then vampire has stopped looking for her. She just sorta waits and listens for 7 hours hoping he'll leave and she can escape.
She pieces together that slick must have ratted her out.
Eventually she hears the attic door open again and she expects doom.
Ch 31 pg 300
It's not doom. It's kitty.
This chapter is tense. The reason vampire left is the housing development everyone is investing in is on fire. Ms green set that fire and called kitty to save Patricia. Kitty wants to gtfo but Patricia has shit to do. First she has to show kitty Francines body. Then she's gotta clean up after herself so vampire doesn't have definite proof she was up in the attic. They're about to leave and Patricia decides she's gotta go back up until the attic to get Francine 's drivers license. They slip out the back just as vampire comes home.
Ch 32 pg 306
Patricia has a plan. She's gonna slip francine's id into vampires wallet and then call the cops and tell them while drunk he told her he killed Francine and stuffed her in a suitcase in his attic and showed her the id.
But before that it's Halloween. This book is set in the 90s and one popular costume that year was the teenage mutant ninja turtles. Did you know that the teenage mutant ninja turtles are not historical lyrics accurately named. If they were it would be more like this...
Donatello leads, Leonardo does machines. Michaelangelo is cool but rude. Eric Botteron is a party dude.
Slick calls. She just keeps saying "I didn't make a sound" Patricia helps her strip and get into the shower. there's some sort of black goo coming out of her vagina. She says, if he did this to me, imagine what he's going to do to you.
Ch 33 pg 316
Slick didn't rat out Patricia. What she did was call vampire and threaten to expose him. That's why vampire came home early but didn't confront Patricia directly. He suspects she was snooping but because she cleaned up her tracks her doesn't really know what happened.
Why is slick basically nonresponsive and disheveled? Because the vampire raped her and said if she made a sound he would kill her family.
Patricia goes home. Her son says he's been at the vampires house since 7:30 and he was there the whole time.
Ch 34
Slick is in the hospital. Everyone goes to visit, which includes vampire. Patricia ak
Sks vampire for a ride home. She leaves franxones id in his car.
Later that night Patricia finds vampire feeding on her daughter.
Ch 35
Vampire calls to tell Patricia that it's all good and he's not a vampire and her daughter likes it.
Patricia calls ms green and invites her to book club.
Ch 36
Everyone in the book club except for grace is in to do something about the vampire. Looking forward to seeing what that is.
Ch 37
Patricia gives herself to the vampire. She says to buy her children more time. Vampire is gonna kill her husband and take his place. But for now they get naked and he feeds on her. It starts with the worst pain and goes to her greatest pleasure.
Ch 38
Patricia unlocked vampires front door before the feeding. Kitty Mary Ellen and Mrs green attack vampire with a baseball bat, knife and hammer respectively. Kitty is the one that does all the damage. Mary Ellen is completely useless and while mrs green tries, she doesn't accomplish much. Theyve got him on the floor with a knife through his spine. Now they need a cooler for some reason.
Ch 39
Due to the knife in his spine vampire can't really move. But he can talk a lot. Begging for his life and promising favors and swearing his kind will get revenge if he disappears. And all the while the ladies cut him up into pieces and put those pieces into garbage bags.
Then the door rings.
.ch 40
This whole thing is based around the plan that the football game will keep everyone else busy so they can do their dark work. But there's less than an hour or so for them to do it. They might not have enough time to handle things with the best of circumstances and now they gotta deal with whoever is at the door.
But it's Grace cause of course it is. She's here to help.
Kitty and marry Ellen deal with the vampires body parts and mrs green and grace clean up the place.
Grace takes Patricia to her house and covers for her with Carter.
Ch 41
Patricia asks for a divorce
They go get their daughter
They had a dog named raging
And then he died
Got real emotional at that part
.
Ch 42
Epilogues be Epiloguing.
They don't necessarily live happily ever after. But they slayed the vampire and that's good enough for Patricia.
Let God be thanked that all has not been in vane.